Hey friends! It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written a post because…life. I had a lumpectomy on Friday to remove a mass that wasn’t showing up on mammogram, ultrasound or MRI. My surgeon and I could feel it but she couldn’t say either way what it was without imaging or putting eyes on it. Surgery was scheduled pretty quickly. Like, I got a call from the scheduler last Tuesday asking if I could be there in 3 days for surgery, fast. My surgeon is in Charleston at MUSC and she is amazing as well as the surgical staff at MUSC. Highly recommend if you are ever in the area and need surgery… We decided to reserve a room at a hotel in Mt Pleasant and were able to go to a nice dinner Thursday night. I’m so grateful we stayed the night of surgery because driving 2 hours home wouldn’t have been fun. My surgeon feels confident it is scar tissue from a previous surgery but sent it out for pathology to be 100% sure. I will find out those results in a few weeks. I’m feeling pretty good and look forward to getting back to life.

I am not sure if it was from reading the Bible everyday for the past few weeks, praying and the prayers from family and friends or all of the above but I was so calm and relaxed even up to the moment the anesthesia kicked in. Not just relaxed but honestly ok with whatever the outcome I would face waking up. I 100% had and have confidence God is right there with me no matter what comes because He has already walked ahead and knows how it turns out. It’s like when a friend takes you to a place they have already visited but walks right next to you showing you the way. What a relief it is that God already knows which direction to take even if there are a few detours. He already has the route mapped out.

If you would have told me 2 1/2 years ago that I would type those words, I would have laughed because ya girl was constantly asking God for the easy way out, the easy path. “ Hey God, it’s me again! Hey I’m just checking in to see how long I’m going to be on this road? I’m getting a little tired and could really use a break from driving, thanks!”Except He kept me on that winding road learning how to fix a flat tire on my own. He even let me sit in a few potholes for longer than I cared to stay until I could see not only the best exit to take but until I could see the compass and realize it was always pointing North. That life will always have sharp turns and broken traffic lights but as long as I know how to read the map, I can always be home. What a friend we have in Jesus, He’s the best road trip buddy to have.

Is anyone else wondering how Christmas is over already? It was the quickest holiday season I can remember but it has been one of my favorites. One of the hardest adjustments for me living in the South has been it being so warm at Christmas time. Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to enjoy the warm air most of the year, it’s just something about it being cold and even seeing snow that makes it feel magical. So when our favorite local weatherman Ed started saying we were going to have freezing temperatures, I was so excited to feel the chill in the air while breathing in all of the sights and sounds that warm my heart and soul. We were lucky enough to have all 3 of the kids with us for a few days and spent time playing cards, eating my first oyster ever (full disclosure-I still can’t eat them raw but Ben put them on the grill and they were amazing!), we took naps and laughed a lot. Those sweet moments are worth the time to stop what I’m doing and etch it in my memory. Whoever said the days are long but the years are short didn’t lie.

We then spent the last few days of the year in Maryland visiting family and ringing in the New Year. Maybe it was a very quiet, tired ring but that’s exactly the way I like it and it’s always been. And as much as I loved seeing everyone over the past few weeks, it was great to get home, pack up the decorations and clean up the dust bunnies. My house looks super naked right now, makes me want to go out and buy a new lamp or something.

I’m not sure if I have ever taken the time to look back on the past year and reflect on it all as much as I have with 2022. I have lived so much of my life running from pain and being uncomfortable in my own skin that I was afraid to really process it all. So I kept my mind full, jumping to the next thing, living in the future, to keep my mind distracted. The most amazing thing happens when you face the darker parts of your soul, it has less power over you. It’s like barnacles on your soul that are chipped away and your true self can finally breath. I spent 2022 digging deeper into my health issues and doing some pretty intense therapy. There were some scary moments and some really low moments but the more I uncovered, the more I noticed that I’m starting to see things clearer, the resentment is starting to fade and gratitude is making it’s way front and center. I am staying more present and giving myself room to breath. Letting go of the things that weighs me down allows me to stop in the special moments and recognize this isn’t something I want to forget.

The only way this has been possible is because of God’s relentless pursuit of my heart and all I needed to do was to look up and see it. He has cleared a path for me and strategically placed everything I have needed to meet the real me who he has always intended for me to be, in my hands. He’s done that for all of us, we just have to get out of our own way to see it. I’ve said it once and I will say it again, it’s not easy but 100% worth it.

I’m excited for 2023 not because I will be a new me but because I’m starting to meet the real me and I kinda like her.

Not long ago I found myself sitting in my car with tears running down my face hoping my best friend would pick up the phone. I had a rough morning and knew she would have the words I needed to hear. The thing about her though, she isn’t going to tell you what you want to hear. She’s been through enough that her tolerance for bull is really low. She’s not mean, just really honest. She’s been through things that I honestly don’t know how she survived, so when she gives advice it’s more than likely she’s been through it already or something similar. She’s walked through fire and it formed her and shaped her into someone that can see past your exterior right to your heart. The most beautiful part of that is how compassionate and loving she can be despite it all. Those qualities are something I hope I can show in my own life.

The thing about healing though is it’s personal. No one can do it for you. If you aren’t ready to receive the lesson, to see the truth, you won’t learn and grow from it. I feel like God brings a situation around as many times as it takes for us to get it. I’ve had to learn that the hard way and I can tell you I’ve had to face the same situation over and over and sometimes over again to learn the lesson He was trying to show me.

The other thing about healing is, you have to unlearn things and break patterns. Trauma can not only play a role in how we react to things, it also plays a role in how we allow others to treat us. Not everyone will like the new version of you and it may take time for them to understand what you will and will not accept. Setting those boundaries will allow you the space to react from a place of genuine emotion then from a place of hurt. Being aware of toxic behavior from ourselves isn’t always the easiest thing to do but important to be able to truly release the negative energy that has made a home in our lives.

Sounds easy right? For me, it hasn’t been. It has taken me years to unravel trauma and to uncover things I had blocked out. Facing those things is the first step. Be kind and gentle with yourself because healing isn’t linear and takes time, sometimes years to recover from. Then it’s a constant choice not to fall back into old patterns. That may sound overwhelming and hard and it is but to me it’s worth it not to repeat those things. The peace is worth the price.

I can’t say it enough, therapy is the greatest gift you can give yourself along with doing the hard work to get to the other side. I’m praying for love and peace for you over the next few weeks.

What are some ways you are finding peace for yourself this season?

Is it me or is there a lot of tension in the air? I feel it when I’m out. Even when I’m driving, I sometimes feel heaviness around me. I think the last few years has battered a lot of us and this time of year kind of amplifies those feelings. Even the most optimistic person can feel cynical. I think if we take a step back and look at what is going on in our own lives I think we can realize we are all going through something and hopefully be a little kinder.

Since we moved to South Carolina, the holidays can sometimes feel like a game of tetris. When are Steve, Billy and Cassie off of work? Will we be able to go to Maryland? Are we driving? Book a hotel room, book flights… Buy presents…etc, etc. Add in emotions, it can be a lot. Man I feel overwhelmed just typing this. Even if you live close to your family, the logistics can still be hard to figure out.

So how to deal with it all? First turn off the dang TV and limit social media. We were not built to consume so much information. Sometimes just putting our attention on the things we can control in front of us can help.

Let go of expectations (I’m still working on this one) and what things “should” look like. Would I love my kids together with me every holiday? Of course but when you have adult children especially like mine who live in different states, it can’t always happen. I cherish the moments I see my kids, family and friends whether that is all together or at different times now. It’s precious.

Another thing I wish I would have done when my kids were younger was slow the heck down and not over schedule. The years our kids are young and we have them at home is short. The days are long, but I promise you those years fly by. In all of the craziness, a quiet day at home watching a movie, baking cookies or making crafts can be the best memories your kids can have when they get older. I can promise you that because Ben and I just finished baking cookies and he talked about how we used to do all of those things. The sad thing is, I can promise you I was stressed out. I so wish I could go back and tell myself that I was going to miss those moments so much, to look at those babies and just be present. That the year Ben’s elf costume didn’t fit anymore or when Cassie and Billy were dancing on the table to Elvis singing Blue Christmas will make my heart hurt. That’s why I want to be present now. I don’t want to put expectations on anything and just enjoy what is.

I started reading one chapter of the book of Luke each night, it’s not too late to start. If you have a favorite way to celebrate Advent let me know if the comments.

Lots of Love,

Missy