grief

27 years

June 21 and 22, 1999 are dates that will forever be etched in my memory. June 21 Aubrey died, June 22 I delivered her. Every year for the past 27 years, it hits different. Sometimes I want to honor her by being out in nature or doing something kind for someone else and sometimes the heaviness of it all makes me want to crawl in bed and stay there and I ask myself how I was able to survive that. To wake up everyday for the past 27 years after what felt like the earth falling away from under my feet. Feeling the most excruciating pain in my chest. An ache that felt like it would crush me. 

How can it be that after 27 years I can still feel that ache, I can still feel the weight of her sweet little head on my chest. How can I still remember every single detail of those 2 days. I will not pretend the pain still isn’t there. The questions and wondering. For so long it felt so lonely and hard to put into words what it felt like having my full term baby die inside me. How when the doctor said there wasn’t anything they could do I wanted to run from it but I couldn’t because it was happening inside of me. And in the same breath never wanting to let her go.

All I do know is that there was a sacred moment when heaven met earth. When her heart beat stopped here, she opened her eyes and saw Jesus. That He was weeping with me while holding our sweet girl. I have learned so much over the past 27 years but a few things hold true, heartbreak and joy can exist. Laughter and tears are apart of life and God’s grace and love can wake me up each morning and see so many blessings around me. 

Happy heavenly birthday Aubrey, we love you❤️

My heart knows it’s Christmas time

By Missy Wiseman

Hey friend, how are you? You doing ok? I was sitting here thinking about how December used to start different for me every year and wondering if this happens to anyone else. A few days before one of my favorite months starts, I would go through different emotions. Some years I would get emotional, some years I felt moody, some years I just felt down. Is that weird for someone who loves the Christmas season? Maybe, but I know now it’s completely normal. This time of year can remind us of many things, people who are no longer with us, it can magnify a difficult time you are going through or it can bring up past memories that are hard to remember. Add in working, shopping, get togethers and it can become a season of sadness instead of joy. First of all I want to say it’s ok to feel all of it. Sit with those feelings and remember the person you’re missing, take time to acknowledge that what you are going through is hard and that your past may have been difficult. Give yourself some grace because despite what all of the commercials are saying, it’s ok to feel other things than joy during the holidays.

After Aubrey died we started going to a support group called The Compassionate Friends. Every 2nd Sunday of December, TCF holds a worldwide candle lighting to honor the memories of children who left too soon. It was not an easy event to go to but it helped us to feel less alone in our grief and it was a way to remember Aubrey and to hear her name said out loud. We met so many people in different stages of their grief journey and over the years we were able to comfort and to return the gift so many others gave to us, a place to just be. As we moved further along in our grief, we started lighting a candle on our own at home with the kids but we never forget the kindness and compassion showed to us all of those years. What I learned after years of therapy and talking to people who have experienced loss is I don’t need to live in a state of grief, that it’s ok to feel both. That learning to live with grief or pain can look different and doesn’t always have to look the same for everyone. There is space for both joy and pain and that you don’t have to choose. One thing I encourage you to do is seek out moments that fill your soul while giving yourself the gift of accepting what is but also be present in the simple things. Sending lots of love and hugs through this season.