June 21 and 22, 1999 are dates that will forever be etched in my memory. June 21 Aubrey died, June 22 I delivered her. Every year for the past 27 years, it hits different. Sometimes I want to honor her by being out in nature or doing something kind for someone else and sometimes the heaviness of it all makes me want to crawl in bed and stay there and I ask myself how I was able to survive that. To wake up everyday for the past 27 years after what felt like the earth falling away from under my feet. Feeling the most excruciating pain in my chest. An ache that felt like it would crush me. 

How can it be that after 27 years I can still feel that ache, I can still feel the weight of her sweet little head on my chest. How can I still remember every single detail of those 2 days. I will not pretend the pain still isn’t there. The questions and wondering. For so long it felt so lonely and hard to put into words what it felt like having my full term baby die inside me. How when the doctor said there wasn’t anything they could do I wanted to run from it but I couldn’t because it was happening inside of me. And in the same breath never wanting to let her go.

All I do know is that there was a sacred moment when heaven met earth. When her heart beat stopped here, she opened her eyes and saw Jesus. That He was weeping with me while holding our sweet girl. I have learned so much over the past 27 years but a few things hold true, heartbreak and joy can exist. Laughter and tears are apart of life and God’s grace and love can wake me up each morning and see so many blessings around me. 

Happy heavenly birthday Aubrey, we love you❤️